A Brief from Mr. Pants
Mr. Pants was a fearsome pentathlete whose exploits were occasionally spectacular, and whose underwear has become legend. Now retired, he offers here some words of advice to those who seek to follow in his footsteps.
"Research at a recent pentathlon event suggested to me that today's young athletes, while well-schooled in professional training techniques and nutritional science, had received scant instruction as to the undergarments which modern pentathlon requires. My inquiries revealed several athletes who would be forced to fence in the same pants which they had worn for a very muddy and soggy run. How they could then expect to perform adequately in the fencing salle I DO NOT KNOW. With this in mind, I have collated the wisdom of yesteryear, and present:
Mr. Pants' Guide to Pantathlon
1. Always take more pants to a pentathlon than you could ever hope to need. You will need them all.
2. Both riding and fencing require comfortable, supportive, protective pants. They should not be the same pair.
3. Swimming trunks are for swimming only and should not be used as substitute pants for any other events, as this will result in painful chaffing.
4. The optimal underwear for shooting is a loose, comfortable, unintrusive pair of boxer shorts, perhaps silk. Mr. Pants used to favour a pair of "The Boss" boxer shorts which he was so proud to receive on his birthday that he wore them without his trousers, down the bar. They also glowed in the dark, although this attribute is not required for shooting.
5. Running - many runners dispense with pants altogether, in order to economise on weight. Mr. Pants has never found any of his pants to be all that heavy. However, many pairs of running shorts have built-in pants.
6. Pants are optional in the sixth event, and should be lost as early as possible after the commencement of the seventh.
And remember - if you're only wearing second-rate pants, you'll feel it when you get your arse kicked."
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